The Big One...Doink Number 4: Jar Jar Binks

Wow! I missed a few weeks there! I'll make up for it with perhaps the greatest doink of all time! Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome the man...Giraffe...Frog...Thing that single handedly killed Star Wars: JAR JAR BINKS (help)!!!!!!! Considered perhaps the greatest doink in the universe, Jar Jar Binks was first introduced in Star Wars Episode 1. He was a native of a planet being invaded and was saved (Much to my dissmay) by Qui Gon Jin (Jedi master to Obi-Wan). Through out the entire movie he does absolutely NOTHING HELPFULL! Annoying personality. Jar Jar is a clumsy mutant with no brain. The only thing he knows how to do is make wierd noises and F!@# things up for all the other charicters. He constantly trips and knocks people over, fails at fighting, and acts like a moron. Every time he opens his mouth he spews some wierd, meaningless phrase that only serves to further your headache. He says absolutely nothing intelegent throughout the movie. He's supposed to be quirky and charming, but it all just comes outr as annoying. Brainless and clumsy, the best way to fight anyone with him, is to ask him to switch sides, they'll be running for mommy in five minutes flat. Annoying sittuations. The first would be him living through the fight. The second of course was when he had to take the Jedi to his people's secret city, since he knew where it was, this just keeps him in the story longer. The instant they enter the city, the guards recognize him and have him arrested (Thank god). Using mind tricks they convince them to give them a submarine and leave, but they need a navigator so they have to take *sigh* Jar Jar. But apart from screaming his ass of through out the whole trip he doesnt even tell them to take a left turn at albuquerque! So he was just flat out useless! Just leave him in the clink! Afterwards, they leave the planet and he does nothing but spew annoying one liers until they come back. Once here some moron put's him in charge of the Alien armed forces...Y'know, Gomer Pile is starting to look like freaking Eisenhower right about now! So we go through a huge fight scene in which he trips, prat falls, and lucky shots his way to victory, driving us all crazy the whole way. Need I say more? As for bogging down the main charictors, he's a nussance, he causes accidents by blinking, and is a worse soldier than a three year old playing Halo! Moving on.
And now the last catagory, could the series go on without him. If you said no, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!?!?!!? THIS LITTLE MORON KILLED STAR WARS FROM THE FIRST FRAME HE WAS IN!!! Replace him with a mindless, flat, boring, similar charicter, and star wars might have lived! He's like an STD. Avoid it, or Star Wars will never be the same.

Doink number 3: Adam Malkovich (Other m)

Well folks here's one hell of a Doink! Adam Malkovich is a character in the newest Metroid game. Though he did appear as a machine in Metroid fusion, he didn't Doinkify himself until Other M. His annoying personality is very blatent. He's the head of a squad of marines that appear on the vessel that samus is sent to investigate, And appearently samus and malkovich have some issues in the past. The basic versiobn is he's as moody as possible and never pulls the foot long stick out of his butt that samus appearently stuck there, he whines and mopes almost as much as Samus in this game. As for annoying situations, apart from being biased against samus, who is clearly more capable than all of his marines put toogether, he is technically in charge of her. Samus doesn't take orders from Doinks like him! Apart from that he almost never even get's in on the action, he just sits on the sidelines at the control center barking orders! As for bogging the main harictors down whoooo boy is this one a doozy! In the game, You often encounter obsticals that you can't pass without some form of new powerup, which is standard in the series. But instead of going around collecting them, in this game you have all of them, but Adam won't authorize you to use most of them! WHAT THE FRAK!!!! IF ANYONE SAYS THAT KIND OF CRAP TO SAMUS SHE BLOWS HIS FRELLING HEAD OFF!!!!! And to make it worse, Samus is constantly moaning over how awesome he is and how much she wants to hit that! I'm convinced folks! This game is the next Twilight book, not metroid, so will someone convinve Edward here to zark off! And the final nail on the coffin: Could the game go on without him? YES!!!!! His stupid romance subplot blows! You should just lose all your powerups and have to find them again like in the other metroid games! Sure that's BS but it's the lesser of the two evils! Botom line, Soem one stick a steak through this guy, he's our Doink of the week!

Doink Number 2, Gaius Baltar: Battlestar Galactica

Yes, yes, two battlestar's in a row, go away flamers this doink needs to be talked about. Gaius Balatr is A british scientist from Battlestar Galactica, and is quite honestly, just there so they have an excuse to put a sex scene in every flipping episode. In the story, a cylon spy has been sleeping with him in order to hack into the human deffense mainframe and make a cylon takeover very easy. The problem is that Gaius sticks around for the entire series instead of dying in a nuclear blast. He has the required slimy attitude, scores way to often, and is also a massive annoying plot device to be manipulated by his imaginarry girlfriend.
The first requirement is ofcorse the annoying personality. As I said he is very slimy. He is constantly making some excuse for his idiotic behavior, or sleeping with someone. He will always do stupid things, and then make some BS excuse AND HE ALWAYS GETS AWAY WITH IT! Also, as I said, he has a rare disorder that causes him to be unable to keep his tallywhacker in his pants for more than 5 seconds. He sleeps with EVERYONE! And overall, he's just unpleasent, although this was the intention. The actor is great, the character sucks.
Next, the annoying sittuations. Baltar constantly see's visions of the cylon he was sleeping with, which she tells him is due to a chip she planted in his brain. This is sort of interesting, but all she ever does is preach to him to "Trust god and all will be fine and dandy" Which for some reason, saves the fleet on multiple occasions. Often there will be some massive groundbreaking decission that needs to be made, and eventually comes down to Baltar, and he talks to him immaginarry girlfriend, she tels him to trust god yadda yadda yadda, and his wild guess turns out to be right. THIS IS ANNOYING! It makes no sense, and it happens so often it isn't even funny! Also, this chick in his head is the only one more horny than he is! She will try to have sex with him at least twicwe an episode. And why should he be the one who scores so often!? He never does any real science, and all that ever happens is he gets wierd vissions that turn out to be nothing but BS! Even worse, later he gets elected president of a new colony that the humans set up shop on, and he's so lazy he ignores his own people, let's most of them suffer and die, let's the cylon's take over without a fight, and all he does is repeatedly have sex with a couple of prostitutes the whole time!!!!!! GOD ARE THESE SITUATIONS SUCKY!!!!!!!! As
for bogging down the main charictors, see previous paragraph, and the fact that he cuased the near total annihilation of humanity several times. Next! At last we reach the decission point, cuold the seris exist without him? YES!!!!!!! Just give the hot cylon vissions to a character we care more about, and leave the total surprise to a one plot charicter that dies in the explosions! End of story, I want to shoot Gaius Baltar out an airlock!!!!!!!!!!

Doink number 1: Saul/Ellen Tigh from Battlestar Galactica

I know it is sort of cheating putting two in one post, but they really are two halves of one doink. From the popular sci-fi series Battlestar Galactica, comes the doink duo of Saul and Ellen Tigh. In the series, Saul is a colonel aboard the Battlestar Galactica, and Ellen is his wife. What makes these two so doinkdom worthy you ask? Well, I suppose we should start with the first requirement: annoying personality traits. Saul is an alcoholic and quite frankly starts acting even more like a doink while under the influence. Usually throwing violent fits of rage, denying obvious facts just because it will make someone he doesn't like happy, and making him easily manipulatable by his wife. Ellen is for lack of a better term a slut. She will sleep with any one, and her idiot husband never gets wise to it. Worse still, she love power, and when Saul ended up in temporary command, she had a field day of fraking just about everything up through Saul. She will do just about anything for power especially sleep with someone. Back on Saul, despite the fact that he is second in command, he has very poor leadership skills. Throughout his time on longterm command, he couldn't do anything unless someone suggested it. As you can see, both are more than qualified in the personality department. Let's move on to the second category: annoying situations. As stated, Saul was placed in long term command of Galactica once and my god was it painful. He yelled at people for doing their jobs, insulted many main characters because he was drunk, and was ordered around by his wife. She caused him to insult And attempt to bring down the former president Laura Roslin, declare martial law, and send in a marine force who killed 4 people! Throughout this time I was praying for the commander to return and a remove him, and by connection her from power. This being the largest annoying situation, there are some other minor ones. Ellen being an annoying person already, ends up being a key part of the story later. This part seemed rushed, and I didn't enjoy her role at all. Saul ended up playing a similar role in a similar situation and I had basically the same reaction. They are both also clearly qualified in the area of annoying situations, moving on to bogging down the main characters in multiple situations. As stated, Saul has insulted and bogged down the main characters many times. So far he has insulted the president, insulted and confined the c.a.g., and taken a swing at them more than once. As well as punching the deck chief because he was drunk and he "thought" he was a cylon spy. Ellen as stated made terrible decisions for Saul during his time in command, as well as attempting to seduce the commander, and his son, to try to get Saul to attack them. She also gave away their position to the enemy in an attempt to leave capture. The final nail on the coffin is of course, could the series have worked without them? Frankly yes, it could! Both Saul and Ellen's major roles could have been replaced with a number of main characters instead, Ellen was basically a subplot gone wrong from the beginning anyway, and a nameless or more polite version of Saul would have taken his place as ex-o very easily. In the 80's battlestar series, Saul was a nice guy! There was no reason to take his character in this direction. It's official folks, we have our first doinks.

What is a doink?

Welcome! The blog will be for the purpose of finding and labeling all the doinks in popular fiction and media. These will include music, movies, and video games. The term "Doink" refers to a person with the qualities that many attribute to being a "a-hole" however the blog will use the term "doink" so as not to offend and to make more appropriate. The blog will also attempt to spread use of the term to popular culture. Using it as a substitute for my popular and more offensive phrases such as those mentioned above. The attributes of being a doink are: one, I. The media they originate from, their character has many annoying qualities of personality. Two, in said media they end up in annoying situations that often drag the plot down, and make annoying decisions in said situations. Three, the character Drags down and hinders the more enjoyable characters on multiple occasions. And four, the media would have gone on just as, if not more successfully had the character simply been killed off, or never existed. The blog will naturally be for the main purpose of humor. The first to be considered for the list will be Saul and Ellen tigh, as well as Gius Baltar from the show: Battlestar Galactica, Jar Jar Binks from the Star Wars prequels, and Lewis Tully from the movie Ghostbusters. Further candidates will be aced as necessary. Jayne Cobb from the show Firefly may be awarded a 50% rating. Another possible candidate may be, Triston Taylor from the anime series yu-gi-oh.